It’s as simple as that, sort of. That’s how one story ended and another began. The arcs for all of those who knew him are invariably changed now. Our friend Jeremiah is dead and the rest of us keep going, keep thinking, keep drinking, keep loving or fighting, keep falling down and picking each other up. We are trying to keep it together, essentially. Or maybe that is just me. The futility of it all shines through the obviousness of what is missing.
It is best to fall apart for at least a little while. We are always attempting to hold on the fragments of this life and we are failing in any sort of meaningful way. Letting go seems like a much better option. But what else are we to do? Our ability to hold on and remember are the traits that make humans so damn interesting. And the knowing that we can lose something or someone makes it all a little worse. The gods chose him, not us. They snatched Miah from the calloused, wanting finger-tips of time and the embrace of family and friends. I am going to miss the guy.
I’d like to say that I was streaming semi-clear thoughts like the ones above at Jeremiah’s memorial, but really, I was a trembling mess. I shook with fury and sorrow. I couldn’t help but sob. And despite my best efforts, I am having a damn hard time not crying right now too.
I don’t really understand why these things happen. I am not even sure if philosophically I think that life is short or long. Buddhists believe life is long and suffering, and we must learn to remove suffering – that’s the goal. It sure feels like the latter when tragedy or discomfort strikes. The pain is immense and it has a relentlessness to it that can break people. Truths like that beg the question, why hold out? Why stay here? What the hell makes it worth staying if all everything we know is fleeting and dying?
Well, the best answer I can come up with arrives when I think about Jeremiah and I’s relationship. We were at odds for many years on a variety of topics. Specifically, we varied on views of God, religion and the afterlife. We would butt heads on these things from time to time. He was steadfast in his faith and I was pulling away at an alarming rate. That’s what people do in their 20’s and early 30’s – they pontificate, discuss and establish views. And sometimes that leads to the demise of relationships, especially, in more formative years.
Anyway, we would argue. Nothing crazy, just friends disagreeing, but eventually, I could feel a void between us grow. I could see it at events we would attend. And for all intensive purposes that will happen naturally in lots of relationships. People separate and life changes.
As the years wore on, the times I would see Jeremiah happened less and less. I came to the realization that we probably wouldn’t be friends in a tangible way. I was OK with this for the most part. Although, I hated to see it – just like anytime a friendship comes to an end or changes drastically – it sucked.
All of the weirdness came to a halt, at least in a minor way, when our friends Tyler and Sam decided to get married. Their wedding destination was set in Costa Rica and Jeremiah and I were chosen as groomsmen.
On a day where the sun seemingly roasted us like ants under God’s magnifying glass, in a place that struck me as paradise, Jeremiah and I stood up with two dear compadres as they combined forces, like Power Rangers, to take on this life together. The ocean pummeled the rocks behind us as Tyler watched his bride walk down the aisle. The definition of happiness has never been so apparent, so crisp, and so present as in that moment when Jeremiah and I sat in a king’s seat and watched our friends celebrate love.
Tomorrow will be a year ago that I stood on that beach with Jeremiah. After the wedding, a good portion of the people that attended went on a trip into the interior of Costa Rica, into the jungle. It’s fair to say all of our lives grew and became intertwined from our experiences traveling together. Strangers became friends. Friends are now family.
That Costa Rican trip started rolling over the years of my life into something new, fresh, and aware. The waves of the Pacific weren’t just changing the sand they were dismantling the past. What has happened in this life (to a certain point) can be undone. Relationships can heal and perceptions can shift.
The last time I saw Jeremiah before he passed was at the wedding. Summer arrived and left. Fall was upon us and Sam and Tyler’s annual Halloween Party happened to take place while Miah was in the hospital. We huddled around each other trying not to think about the situation and did our best to make laughing a priority. It was nice to have a group of people that I know I can lean into when tragedy strikes. I cherish that I could spend that time with Miah replenishing what had been depleted from the reservoir of friendship. I will take seeds of remembrance and growth that I got from knowing Miah and plant them everywhere I can. And even though he is gone, former strangers are still friends and we are all family. That’s as good a reason as any to stay here and enjoy myself with all these lovely people that Jeremiah changed forever too.