Swipe right, swipe left, swipe right, swipe left…so it goes – the death or chance of another possible connection – the modern dating scene. I have been on Tinder for several years now and Bumble for maybe a year. I even connected with my most recent girlfriend on Bumble. I have had moderate success on these dating applications. But for a while now something struck me as strange with these two and their place in my life.
One of the last times I used it these dating applications reminded me of looking at a jar full of fireflies on those dark Maine nights as a child. I would watch the jar, waiting for one then two then six to light up and they always seemed to happen in pairs. Groups of flies would burst out like bottle rockets then fade away.
I didn’t know it at the time but this must be what it’s like for God to watch us, humans, swiping away on dating apps because humans are on Tinder and Bumble for the same reasons fireflies use what is called “bioluminescence” and light up, to find a mate. And if you think about it (at least around your mid-twenties and beyond) we all seem to be trapped in a jar with limited air and no food, in a weird and primitive search for love or connection. Dark, I know. Embrace it.
On Monday I deleted my account for both Tinder and Bumble and removed them from my phone. Not because I needed a “break” or was disappointed like I have before but I did it because I was constantly swiping. When I had free time I was always looking at other fireflies hoping they would light up when they saw me on their little screen. I found myself doing this habitually, almost subconsciously.
When I actualized what I was doing I had a moment of pause and realized that those applications had become extensions of me. And much like Facebook, they were manipulating my reality. I was never not looking for a significant other. I was always on the hunt. I wasn’t just a dude being a dude in my dudish kind of way. With Tinder and Bumble being habitual, I was constantly in first date mode. First dates are the worst. It is hard as fuck to be oneself on a first date. You are an aberration of the actual you. Or you just want sex.
I may be alone in this but I felt a pressure when I discovered what I was doing, and really, it had been there all along. Stress should not be part of the equation when looking for a mate. That spark just happens, like fireflies. Our bioluminescence shines almost instinctively. It is chemicals and situation that are the driving force for human bioluminescence. Hormones, boners, procreation, houses, retirement plans. It’s not that simple, obviously…I mean, right?
The situation I faced is kind of similar to what happens if you watch too much porn. It seems normal and it is. Porn is great. But if you watch it too much, you end up expecting every girl you have sex with to know the nuance of the blowjob. That isn’t reality. That’s a subliminal self-deception.
If we are all stuck in this jar called earth together maybe we shouldn’t force the connections so much. Or at least we should try to be aware of the forces that surround us and that live inside those touch-screen-anomalies in our pockets. I may download those Bumble and Tinder again but I will do so knowing I hold the control and really I don’t need anyone else. I am pretty happy as it stands or flies, with my bioluminescence. So, off I go – out into the real jar of life just trying to shine for some woman, somewhere.